Light arises from the Darkness

Be warned, the following writings show a very dark side of me which you cannot understand or relate to unless you know certain details about my previous past and (romantic) relationship. If you read this you may feel judgmental about me and realize that I'm not quite the inspiration that you have made me to be. I'm not proud of what I've written, but at the same time it may help you to grasp something about who I am and how I have grown and changed.

A little back story: I was in a relationship for almost 8 years, it ended in January 2008 when I got married, was cheated on, found out I'd be having a second brain surgery, and was finally divorced in November 2008, When I walked into my home, I told the woman of my life about my upcoming surgery, and was told as if she saw it comning: "I don't want to be your babysitter anymore". Well, so much for in sickness and in health. I was deeply hurt and left with a painfully reminding scar of my distrust and lack of faith in people. In the following November, conveniently at the exact (to the day) anniversary of my divorce, her family (who acted like they hated me throughout the 8 years of our relationship), wrote me an email about how they hoped I'm doing well and wanted details about my life. The only response I had in mind were expletives and rage, so I left it alone. Again, a year later, I received another reminder of the biggest mistake of my life. This time I sent my ex a message simply saying, "tell your family to leave me alone". I have severed all contact with that family, I wanted nothing to do with the pain and confusion that I was left with by that family as a whole, with a few exceptions (her siblings, who I hold no grudge against and still in fact miss). And to top it off, recently I discovered that she is carrying the baby of the guy with whom she was cheating on me.

So, after plenty of time spent thinking about it and whether or not I should share it, I wrote this in December of 2009:



I wish I could say that I wish you well
But I can’t do better than to wish you hell
You deserve what you get
And I hope your life is full of it

Because of you my trust is worn
I look at relationships with scorn
It hurts that I’ve lost faith
Except in the thoughts of your wraith

And yet these wound me too
That I could stick a knife in you
And watch your blood flow
Pain you deserve to know

My heart is full of doubt
Anguish I’m never without
I cannot describe the pain
But it’s driving me insane

Because of your malice
Your soul so callous
My wounds refuse to heal
I wish I couldn’t feel

Nevertheless you will get yours
And when it rains it pours
And when it all comes falling down
I bet you’ll drown



Another side note, during this 8 years, I abandoned my best friends, leaving them hurt and scarred themselves, but it was their forgiveness that has made me understand that the pain I felt cannot be forgotten, but it can certainly be forgiven. As I rediscovered these harmful words I have written, I realized the same things could be written about me. And without having written them, I would not have learned how necessary it is to forgive and to let go of the injuries of the past so that I could move on and continue to grow. The scar still lives inside me, but trust and faith are yet again being restored. A particular friend has taught me through not his words (though they have had an impact as well), but mostly through his actions of never leaving my side in spite of how I left him at the curb so that I could keep my poisonous relationship with someone who eventually cut me; he has always been there for me, someone I cannot return the favor, nor can I heal the similar scars of distrust I've left him. I beat myself up and am reminded of all the misdeeds when I spend time with him, but I've learned that I need to let it go.

What does any of this have to do with cancer or occupational therapy? I do not hold a grudge for the impact that this disease has had on my life. I have grown up. Though I still have difficulty breaking this scar tissue with people, I am getting better. Sometimes to move on you have to be hurt and learn how to heal. With cancer and o.t., I have indeed been physically hurt, but I'm doing everything I must in order to fix it. I have since grown from the December poem; I wish I could convince myself to send her and her family that I wish them well, but I haven't yet been able to dig out that scar. Perhaps one day I will.

Mini post

I know many of you have been wanting an update. Recently I have been fighting fatigue, illness, and a somewhat lack of motivation to write. These things happen. I'm due for an MRI on thursday which I will follow up with my oncologist on the same day and will be meeting with my radiation oncologist and neurologist on april 7. Hopefully I will be back to writing soon but please continue to be patient with me and as always contact me at thecancerousot@gmail.com with any questions.

Much love and wishing you all the very best.

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