Light arises from the Darkness

Be warned, the following writings show a very dark side of me which you cannot understand or relate to unless you know certain details about my previous past and (romantic) relationship. If you read this you may feel judgmental about me and realize that I'm not quite the inspiration that you have made me to be. I'm not proud of what I've written, but at the same time it may help you to grasp something about who I am and how I have grown and changed.

A little back story: I was in a relationship for almost 8 years, it ended in January 2008 when I got married, was cheated on, found out I'd be having a second brain surgery, and was finally divorced in November 2008, When I walked into my home, I told the woman of my life about my upcoming surgery, and was told as if she saw it comning: "I don't want to be your babysitter anymore". Well, so much for in sickness and in health. I was deeply hurt and left with a painfully reminding scar of my distrust and lack of faith in people. In the following November, conveniently at the exact (to the day) anniversary of my divorce, her family (who acted like they hated me throughout the 8 years of our relationship), wrote me an email about how they hoped I'm doing well and wanted details about my life. The only response I had in mind were expletives and rage, so I left it alone. Again, a year later, I received another reminder of the biggest mistake of my life. This time I sent my ex a message simply saying, "tell your family to leave me alone". I have severed all contact with that family, I wanted nothing to do with the pain and confusion that I was left with by that family as a whole, with a few exceptions (her siblings, who I hold no grudge against and still in fact miss). And to top it off, recently I discovered that she is carrying the baby of the guy with whom she was cheating on me.

So, after plenty of time spent thinking about it and whether or not I should share it, I wrote this in December of 2009:



I wish I could say that I wish you well
But I can’t do better than to wish you hell
You deserve what you get
And I hope your life is full of it

Because of you my trust is worn
I look at relationships with scorn
It hurts that I’ve lost faith
Except in the thoughts of your wraith

And yet these wound me too
That I could stick a knife in you
And watch your blood flow
Pain you deserve to know

My heart is full of doubt
Anguish I’m never without
I cannot describe the pain
But it’s driving me insane

Because of your malice
Your soul so callous
My wounds refuse to heal
I wish I couldn’t feel

Nevertheless you will get yours
And when it rains it pours
And when it all comes falling down
I bet you’ll drown



Another side note, during this 8 years, I abandoned my best friends, leaving them hurt and scarred themselves, but it was their forgiveness that has made me understand that the pain I felt cannot be forgotten, but it can certainly be forgiven. As I rediscovered these harmful words I have written, I realized the same things could be written about me. And without having written them, I would not have learned how necessary it is to forgive and to let go of the injuries of the past so that I could move on and continue to grow. The scar still lives inside me, but trust and faith are yet again being restored. A particular friend has taught me through not his words (though they have had an impact as well), but mostly through his actions of never leaving my side in spite of how I left him at the curb so that I could keep my poisonous relationship with someone who eventually cut me; he has always been there for me, someone I cannot return the favor, nor can I heal the similar scars of distrust I've left him. I beat myself up and am reminded of all the misdeeds when I spend time with him, but I've learned that I need to let it go.

What does any of this have to do with cancer or occupational therapy? I do not hold a grudge for the impact that this disease has had on my life. I have grown up. Though I still have difficulty breaking this scar tissue with people, I am getting better. Sometimes to move on you have to be hurt and learn how to heal. With cancer and o.t., I have indeed been physically hurt, but I'm doing everything I must in order to fix it. I have since grown from the December poem; I wish I could convince myself to send her and her family that I wish them well, but I haven't yet been able to dig out that scar. Perhaps one day I will.

Mini post

I know many of you have been wanting an update. Recently I have been fighting fatigue, illness, and a somewhat lack of motivation to write. These things happen. I'm due for an MRI on thursday which I will follow up with my oncologist on the same day and will be meeting with my radiation oncologist and neurologist on april 7. Hopefully I will be back to writing soon but please continue to be patient with me and as always contact me at thecancerousot@gmail.com with any questions.

Much love and wishing you all the very best.

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Sometimes it catches up to me

Well, I have to admit
Sometimes I feel like I’m too young
To have to deal with all this shit,
But here’s the song I’ve sung:
I won’t say it isn’t fair,
Because clearly it’s been an opportunity
To become aware
Of how all this has helped to form me.
From going through chemo and radiation twice
To endless occupational therapy
I’d say it would suffice
To say I’m tired, I’m beat up, but I’m free.
I’ve discovered who I am;
I’ve been given a gift;
I’ve passed the exam;
My life has taken a shift.
I always like to joke
That I’m 27 living in an 80 year old body
And when I croak
At least I won’t look so shoddy.
But people don’t seem to like that,
Not that I really care…
I will always be Matt,
Of that I’m fully aware.
I don’t take life too seriously,
I love to keep things light,
I don’t live mysteriously,
Everything is in plain sight.
Sometimes I will be blunt,
Harsh, forward, shameless.
But I always confront
That my intentions aren’t aimless.
So as you can see,
It isn’t always easy,
Sometimes it catches up to me,
But from life I do not flee.

An Update!

Hey all!

I guess it's been awhile since I last posted (well it feels like it has anyway). I still haven't received any new questions, but I think I might be able to answer some of what's probably on your mind. Since leaving Bloomington, I have been incredibly busy visiting with a heap of specialists and spending most of my mornings doing various activities to keep myself busy, including sparing doses of occupational therapy (still don't have much energy), reading, watching bad movies, occasionally shopping to adjust to a new wardrobe (thank you steroids for ruining my hard work to lose 30lbs last year... guess what my new goal is once I'm finished with the 5000-7000 calories I ingest per day on average). I've also ventured into not shaving, at all... and on several occasions I've been asked if I lost a bet (which tends to make the people who ask feel awkward, not that wanting to ask why the sweet "do" without being able to encourage themselves to ask doesn't...), so I find it helpful to occasionally wear hats and/or cancer-related shirts (except I no longer fit into most of the shirts - boo). I'll be adding pictures to Picasa so that you can see the progress and make fun of how horrible thenon-baldcancerousot looks.

I still don't really have much of a clue what my future holds, except for, again, many many doctor visits over the next several months. I recently developed a very nasty rash (I won't specify where - I'll just say ouch), which I'm hoping to have results from a biopsy quite soon. I've seen a couple Dermatologists about it, one thinking it could be linked to one of the more basic drugs I am/was taking, the other thinking more on the lines of an after-effect from chemotherapy or avastin (which would both be extremely rare... rare enough in fact for the docs to take pictures (neither doc looked absolutely convinced about the particular source of the reaction though).

I had my third seizure of the year (a drastic improvement from last year - I had about 7 by this time then) about 4 days ago. It was actually somewhat of a relief, as I tend to tense up a bit and not feel too well throughout the day or days building up to one. Unfortunately, due to the rash and drug concerns, we are kind of just waiting things out until the rash is gone until any drug changes are made, and of course then I will be monitoring VERY closely for subsequent rashes.

So, my future plans currently don't include much, as I continue to have to fret about day to day things, such as a fever yesterday, random potentially life-threatening rashes, difficulty with consistent sleeping, more doctor/occupational therapy visits, and staying rested and focusing on healing. One of my "longer-term" goals is to finish out Anatomy from last Summer, which will happen by the end of this upcoming Summer at the latest; hopefully I'll have the energy to get to it sooner, but again, one day at a time is best. I'd like to visit with my older brother and sister-in-law, be it here or up in Wisconsin, I have a trip with my friend Andrew tentatively planned, I want to go to a concert (the Avalanche Tour if you're interested), but I'm concerned about how my head will respond to that, I am hoping to go to Vegas in maybe a month or two, but not sure if I'll be able to, and I will absolutely be making a visit to Pittsburgh to visit some of the greatest "distant support" I've received throughout this ordeal (the exceptions to the group at Pitt. know who they are). Beyond all of that, everything is still up in the air. I don't know for sure yet if I will be continuing Temodar (chemo) for longer. The plan before the rash was to go back to a 5 days a month (one week in a row) of a higher dose for (I think) about a year, but that may be of concern now thanks to the rash... I'm still rooting for continuing to be aggressive with this blob, though I'm also convinced the majority (if not all) of it was destroyed with radiation, so this may again be overkill but the intention is for it to grab onto the small "leftovers" that radiation may have missed.

I think that should cover just about all the questions everyone may have had/wanted to ask but didn't/were afraid to or whatever. I'm trying not to talk about much related to this stuff in person because I want everyone to have the same story and I'm more scatterbrained than I used to be now, so you can imagine how that must be for me. So if I haven't answered any of your one-on-one questions to your liking it is best to email me so I have time to think it through and share it with others (anybody who reads this is encouraged to do so, regardless of whether or not you know me... I will not share any of your personal information unless specifically requested to do so)... also, anything you think others might like to have or see posted in this blog can be emailed to me and I'd be happy to pass it on to whoever reads this.

Again, that email is thecancerousot@gmail.com

I hope you all are well!

So I've only received one question to my cancerousot gmail account so far, but I found it amusing enough to post...

"Yes, hello, longtime reader first time e-mailer.

I was wondering how exactly you manage to be such a ladies man and what, if anything, I can do to copy your success. Thanks, and I look forward to your speedy reply."

To answer your question required literally no thought on my part. I simply act like myself. I guess I must have the personality that "gravitates" the ladies toward me (not to mention my unrelenting handsomeness). I'd love to share said personality, but I believe that is impossible, but feel free to do your best to emulate me.

Good luck!

Update to "Some thoughts about meeting a new cancer patient"

My good friend who recently began her battle with breast cancer shared this poem with me. This feeling often translates to things beyond cancer, particularly when someone receives recent "emotionally tasking" news. I think that we seem to be on the same page about how we often feel. Here it is:

A friend of mine passed away this morning...I wrote this today.
Don't tell me that you understand and don't tell me that you know how I feel.
Don't tell me that I will survive and to look for the light because right now all I see is night.
Don't tell me this is just a test and that I am strong and will persevere. Inside I feel weak and I am hiding from the fear.
Don't tell me that I am chosen for this task apart from all the rest because I am the strongest or the best.
Don't come at me with answers that I know can only come from me.
Don't tell me how my sadness will pass and that one day soon this will be a distant memory.
Don't stand in judgment of how I handle this pain.
Don't tell me how to suffer and don't tell me how to cry.
I need you and I need your love, unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs and know that sometimes I just need you to be silent and let me be.
I need you to hold my hand and let me cry. I need to hear you say I love you and no matter what I'm on your side.

I think the last few lines really hone in on what's most important, that you (the "outsider") want to say you "understand", that you feel like you need to do something, and often it is best to just close your mouth and open your ears. We love to receive your support, we know that you care, but often it is best just for you to be there.

VERY quick update

It's been a long long day, super tired.

Got my very last treatment of Avastin today, so we're down to one treatment to finish (even though I've already kind of finished it once during this time). To answer the most common question: what's next? I don't know. One day at a time is about as much as I can handle. I'll continue to see a bunch of doctors over the next few months... mostly specialists of some sort. First MRI is sometime in March, but it won't reveal much of anything because of swelling, but at least will give an idea of how much swelling and what areas of the brain got hit by the therapy, next MRI is sometime in May-ish, which still might not be enough time to clear up the scan enough for a better view. I started Occupational Therapy with my old buddy at Tri-Health P.R.O.S. who helped get me to the point I was at before I relapsed in May (I was getting very strong and fit... damn you steroids for making me fat...ish). Seems we may have a bit harder work to do this time; I'll be getting botox in a couple weeks to weaken my flexor muscles in my left wrist, which will ideally allow me to open up my hand more by strenthening the extensor muscles (super tight tendons sorta thing). But again, everything is based on how I feel each day. No clue about vacations, returning to school, etc... not even thinking about it... focused totally on getting strength and energy back, trying to eat healthy... who knows. Anyhow, I'm exhausted. I'll try to write more tomorrow (This doesn't qualify as VERY quick by the way... I ended up rambling, pretty standard).

Hope you're all doing well!